Why "I Have Doubt!"?
What is the deal with this blog's name?


When I'm in the kitchen, things go wrong. Little things, big things, with recipes I've never done before, with recipes I've made a dozen times. My butter was too warm. I realize I misread the recipe. I accidentally put too much oil in the dressing. I didn't shape the dough quite right. My new batch of pink peppercorns is blah. I added too much salt (never, but also always).
Sometimes, I don't notice that something wasn't quite right until it's done. This especially happens when I get overconfident. My head isn't in the game, I'm moving through it without being particularly thoughtful.
But when I am being thoughtful, I often get a nagging feeling that something I did wasn't optimal. And this, this little moment where something may have gone wrong–that's become my favorite moment in the kitchen. I even seek it out.
That's because it's where the learning happens. It's discovery! It's a new understanding! It's exploration! Or sometimes, it's just a ridiculous disaster, and it's funny!
And I've learned that when I don't have those feelings of doubt... too often that's when it turns out I've made something lackluster. Go figure.
So now, when the doubt comes, I get excited. I'll trill out, "I HAVE DOUBT!" with a triumphant pointer finger thrust straight up in the air. Sometimes it's deeply frustrating, even demoralizing when I have a bad run. But far, far more often the moment of doubt is actually a moment of jubilation. The doubt! The doubt is here! Hooray! I excitedly ask Rich if he wants to hear all about my latest doubt (and he always does).
It's a fun way to be in the kitchen, and it's in keeping with a lot of how I live my life. I like learning, and adapting, and changing how I do things, and how I think about things. I'm still anchored in a LOT of consistency and ritual and regular, everyday comforts. The human brain is cleverly designed to love an autopilot moment. But more and more, as I get older, it becomes easier to see the difference between the old ways of moving through the world that anchor me in it in a beautiful way, and the old ways of moving through the world are due to change.
We do better when we know better, right? It's not something to feel shame about, or fear, oh goodness, goodness no. It's where the fun is! We're being human!